Sunday, 11 January 2009

FO? :: faints ::

I know.  A real-life finished object.  A rarity in these parts recently, rumours are rife about the sighting of the fabled Finished Object*.  We sent our roving reporter off to see if truth indeed be in them thar hills...
"The first indication of any legitimacy to this story was discovered when we stumbled across what appeared to be the cast-off skin-type remains of the FO...  Strangely, yet geometrically patterned, the 'skin' was examined by our experts who concluded that it may have come from a variant of the 'Lion Brand' Sweater Bag, sometimes called the 'Chinese' or 'Doomed' variant.

Feeling hopeful about a fruitful ending to our quest, we continued onwards until a scout for the group gaspingly returned to inform us that a species of
Sweater Bag had indeed been sighted nearby...

Not wishing to startle it, (for it has been told that they have a tendency to pounce and maul, if frightened) we approached its den with stealth and as silently as fourteen reporters, six cameramen, seven coffee-runners and five camp followers could...  And there it was.
Confirmed as the Chinese Sweater Bag of Doom, ('Chinese' due to its interestingly coloured gullet) we sidled-up with caution and managed to take a few photos of it in repose. A strangely beautiful animal, the Sweater Bag is an odd beast.  Dull and with a somewhat plain dark-grey plumage, (black and white photos have been lightened to show the markings off to a better degree)  it seems rather unremarkable at first sight, but on closer inspection, there are hints of blue in the strange appendage at its top-most regions.


Before we could make any further examinations of the sleeping beast, it woke up and attempted to frighten us off by showing its coloured under-plumage in a rather exciting display of flapping and twirling.

Much like the legendary Sweater Bag Australis, (discovered in the early 21st century but yet to be photographed in the wild) we discovered that the Chinese Sweater Bag also had a marsupially pouch-like appendage on its front, which appeared to be ridged in pattern, but we had to wait for the flapping display to reach its zenith before we could confirm that to be so...


But confirm it we did...  The pouch was indeed in evidence, possibly as a remnant from early marsupial life in this part of the world, (thought until now to be extinct) and covered a surprisingly large surface area of the front of the beast.  This led us to believe that there may be at least one more pouch in the belly of the Bag.


Sadly we had forgotten to bring a net with which to capture the Bag and despaired of getting close enough to see inside, when an enterprising coffee-runner, with pin-point precision, threw her mobile phone at the Bag and knocked it out cold.  One of our more intrepid photographers rushed over and took a photo of the gapingly-mawed Bag in full gaping-mawdom (the results of which should ensure him everlasting fame and fortune) and provided us with proof that as well as having an interior pocket, the jaws of the beast were of the toothy Zipped type.  A remarkable discovery.

Obviously of mixed heritage (in the end we decided it was of Chinese-Scottish lineage) we saw an interior of Chinese silk and a Scottish tartan inner pocket - the mix in itself a very rare finding.  (The reasons for which were discussed with our experts, and the leading theory promulgated was that the original lining must have been lost, perhaps in a fight with another Sweater Bag, and a replacement found at the very last moment. Possibly in a remnants store...)

We left the beast as it started to regain consciousness and legged-it back to the studio. Sadly one of the coffee-runners never made it, and we dedicate this monumental discovery to his untimely demise.

This has been RedScot reporting for WTF News."

*Based on the Sweater Bag by Lion Brand Yarn in Katia Basic Sport in the Dark Grey (011) colourway.  Chinese silk lining and ribbon embellishment.  Yes, I did lose the lining before I finished it, so had to improvise...!

2 comments:

Riohnna Sunday, 11 January 2009 at 18:51:00 GMT  

I love this bag!! I have been looking for one like it. Too bad I can't knit!

Tammany Monday, 12 January 2009 at 14:56:00 GMT  

Very pretty! And what a well written report.

Mair Bloag Weejits

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Heh! I'm so funny!

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